Brett, Jen, and Dave Merriman
“Grief is sort of like a sharp stone being worn by waves. It hurts at first - it's poignant, pointy, and stabbing and can cripple you immediately. But as waves come and you weather them, the stone of grief is eroded. Pain turns into a dull missing that is always there, but becomes manageable and in the background. It gets better, and you learn to love and appreciate what you had.”
Brett Merriman lost both of his parents within a year of each other before he turned 29. His mom, Jen, passed away from complications related to organ failure. His dad, Dave, passed away after three hard-fought battles with cancer.
I want to back out quickly and provide some context on this story’s origin. Brett and I did not know each other before he shared his story with me. Brett works for a media company in Austin, TX, that produces several podcasts that are in my regular rotation. Over the last several years, Brett has shared stories about both of his parents on social media that I have caught bits and pieces of. I started to find a lot in common with Brett, not only that we both have experienced losing a parent but also that we both have found tremendous growth in our experiences. I identified Brett as someone who could tell a compelling story and was not afraid to be real about it. I reached out to him cold over email, asking if he would want to be a part of this project before I had a website, social media, or question template. He responded yes within an hour, and I quickly realized I needed to make this idea in my head a real thing. I owe Brett a huge thank you for forcing me into jumpstarting Lost Parent Project. We were able to sit down together and share stories of our parents over beers in Austin, TX, in March of 2024 while I was in town for work.
When I asked Brett to tell me about his parents, he told me, “Mom and Dad were truly the most incredible human beings. It's tough to explain, but I remember them always being wholly consumed with being there for my sister and me. Them being AROUND is what I remember most. I remember their laughs, our nights we'd spend together as a family watching movies or TV, and them attending my sports games. I remember their smiles and their health battles and their steadfast commitment to ‘everything being ok’ til the end. They were kind, funny, and truly loved nothing more than watching my sister and me grow up. They were invited to everything. They lit up rooms and made everyone's day better. Selflessness comes to mind. They truly enjoyed seeing other people happy, especially my sister and me, more than themselves.”
Brett summed up his parents perfectly when he told me something his 2nd-grade teacher, Mr. Luciano, told him back in the day: "They should write the book" when it comes to parenting, he said, after having had both Brett and his younger sister in class.
Navigating the loss of one parent is one of the hardest things one can endure. Two within one year is unimaginable. Brett found himself dealing with this at age 29. Planning a dual celebration of life, organizing legal documents, traveling, providing updates to friends and family, and most importantly, grieving.
When I asked Brett about how he had to remain resilient as he pushed through this new reality, he told me “Grief comes in waves. I've already experienced the two worst days of my life, so anything from here on out cannot match those - in that even when I die someday, I'll get to see them again. I've learned how incredibly good at parenting they were - I've always felt prepared for whatever life throws at me, and it's because of them. I've learned I can make it through - about the support system they helped build and that I'm hesitant to reach out for support because of some sort of steadfast independence. Maybe a little bit of their 'everything is gonna be ok' attitude to a fault.”
He told me that his turning point in positive thinking came when he realized how lucky he was to have them for as long as he did. They did such an incredible job despite being here for a short time. He even went as far as to say that he would rather have had the most amazing parents in the world for 27 years rather than absent parents for 60 years. This was monumental for Brett, and for this story as well. What an incredible theme to capture in this conversation, to be appreciative of the time that you have, not angry at the time that you will not have. This theme can be applied to any loss. For me, what this will translate into is the utmost presence when I am spending time with friends and family. You truly never know how much time you have, and it should be cherished at all costs.
Brett went on to say how it has changed how he approaches his life as well. “The biggest and most obvious answer is that life is short. So live it. Retirement has become this obscure thing that I've realized is so so far away there's little point in planning… I say yes to more things, I reach out to people more because you never know when it may be the last time. I love harder and lean on relationships emotionally.”
Brett continues family traditions that his parents instilled in him, whether it's making his Dad’s mac n cheese recipe every Thanksgiving or keeping his Mom's Christmas village going every year. He also enjoys a pour of chardonnay in his Mom’s honor and one of his Dad’s Paradox beers in his honor on their birthdays and death anniversaries. He appreciates driving around to places they used to love going together in his hometown of Saratoga Springs, NY, and of course rooting for the Bills and Dolphins.
I can’t thank Brett enough for his willingness to not only contribute but push LPP forward. This story is part of the foundation, and I will always look back at this conversation as the tipping-off point of all the stories that will be told here.
